
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
“yeah”
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
[2025]
Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous
*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*