GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous
*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*