@fowlerism: DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet! ME: Ha ha, you're so silly [later] ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

@gylertagan: [First Date] Her: What do you do for a living Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people Her: Um...? Me: No its okay they pay me

@ThatEggChick: I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

@ldgadamn: “if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too?” first of all, i’d jump off a cliff without my friends

@TheRobCee: Better "copulate" than "copunever."