@CaptainJerkwad: Went to a restaurant. The sign said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
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@fowlerism: DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet! ME: Ha ha, you're so silly [later] ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
@gylertagan: [First Date] Her: What do you do for a living Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people Her: Um...? Me: No its okay they pay me
@ThatEggChick: I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
@ldgadamn: “if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too?” first of all, i’d jump off a cliff without my friends