Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance

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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler


Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.


GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.


[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?


Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.


Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.


Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!


Capitalization can really change a sentence.


I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.



Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*