Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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