My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
You Might Also Like
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[role playing in bed as pirates]
Me: Arggh, I want that booty.
Her: *giggling* Mmmk
Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB