@JAdomian

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

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@Supafunkadunka

My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.

@parttimewinner

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@KentWGraham

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

@Jandalize

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@RocketRankoon

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

@ComedicBust

[role playing in bed as pirates]

Me: Arggh, I want that booty.

Her: *giggling* Mmmk

Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…

@AnOrangeSNES

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB