Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I finally found a reason to live again.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.