@ericsshadow

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

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@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@GrantTanaka

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.