Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
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No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.