Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Welcome
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Worth a try
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me