@MattTheBrand

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

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@MikeEpps___

Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

@Chumpstring

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@_salt_n_lime

Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

@squirrel74wkgn

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over πŸ˜‰
P: can’t. Kidnapped πŸ™
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

@daemonic3

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.