went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

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Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram


Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.


If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.


Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.


My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.


Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.


Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over πŸ˜‰
P: can’t. Kidnapped πŸ™
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k


To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.