went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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How can I say no to this ?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box