My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.