Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!