him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
This whole time I thought 50 Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs
Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?
Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.
You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it