Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.