If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life