Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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