Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
You Might Also Like
seems fine
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”