Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they鈥檙e going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he鈥檇 finished my chocolate
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what鈥檚 wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it鈥檚 ok I couldn鈥檛 see my shoes but they鈥檙e on my feet
Me: *cries*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
This made me smile…
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she鈥檚 holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what鈥檚 that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it鈥檚 to keep out ants
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn鈥檛 a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials