Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.


just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us


Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying


Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.


ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble


My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.


i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone