@Robski_Boy

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

You Might Also Like

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@English_Channel

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

@theewren

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

@suzieQ0007

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

@sploosk

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

@jdforshort

Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble

@UncleDuke1969

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone