“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone