Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

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[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost


I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.


5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.


If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.


I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.


me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks


Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags