Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits