@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

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@daemonic3

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@TheJoelWillis

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

@envydatropic

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

@drunktweets81

I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.

@ikasliwal

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags