My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[sees some cut grass]
[sees some ripped leaves]
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.