Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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Aight bet
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!