@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

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@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@Fred_Delicious

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

@MartaEffing

Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@Darlainky

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

@twayne1010

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

@Tmoney68

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.