Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.