Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I’ve had relationships like this
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat