went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
You Might Also Like
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
back to work
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back