difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I’m giving up for Lent.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix