Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.

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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.


People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.


Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.


ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know


[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?


its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??


[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something


wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*


Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope