Liquor Store Parking
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Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
…żyje?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”