Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

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my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”


Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile



RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*


*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?


Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!


I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell