Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.