Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Time heals everything 🙂
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.