went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Still a very good boi….
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me checking my bank balance online.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.