“Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me”

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(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.


Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas


Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.


“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”


According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk


I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more


Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm


the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large