@FirstDateStory

“Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

@BumbleDC

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@BlazedDonuts

The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

@BastardProphet

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

@kashmir_lover1

According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk

@FeelNutts

I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more

@Pumpkinbabypie

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large