“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’