we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink