@WhatsAGreenhorn

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

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@SamGrittner

Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

@ewfeez

“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@ericsshadow

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

@thenatewolf

*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?