We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

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Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.


If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher


New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.


My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.


Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.


How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.


*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?