We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie