We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
need him
Hotels are back
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught