I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.