We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.