We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”