@BettyBowers

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

You Might Also Like

@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

@kadyngriffiths

Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.

@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

@decentbirthday

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

@CareEg33

3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:

1) Butter
2) Windex
3) Divorce

@SexySillyGrl

Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated

@alshipley

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice