“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition


Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.


Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!


As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No


3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:

1) Butter
2) Windex
3) Divorce


Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated


my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice