We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
You Might Also Like
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.