My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I may be ugly but I used to be uglier
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown