We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!


If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.


ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


boyfriend [peels, chops, & salts eggplant. purees stewed tomatoes. minces garlic. chops onions. grates cheese. sautés and bakes.]: babe, i made you dinner!

me [pours milk on cornflakes]: babe, i made you breakfast!


Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes


FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom


I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.


I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.


My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.