@UnFitz

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

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@elle91

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

@borderlinemom8

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

@novicefather

Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown