If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
constantly working on myself.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland