@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.

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@Barknado69

[Date]

Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back

@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

@notthenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

@Marlebean

{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*

@Donna_McCoy

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

@lisaxy424

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

@elle91

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired