At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.
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Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there
Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…
*therapist scribbles furiously*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired