@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.

You Might Also Like

@AndyKindler

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

@mamapjs1

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@spaceboyriley

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

@Talkinghands69

When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”

@thetigersez

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.