We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.

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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin


…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.


The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.


I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.


Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one


When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”


Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.