“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Shower sex be like:
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit