It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
When can I start eating bats again.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.