we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.


I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother


Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me


If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.


Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.


Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.


I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.


*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby