@JurassicPark2go

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

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@blatchfordnews

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

@AndRyanTF

I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother

@caitiedelaney

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

@chopper4jk

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

@TheTimmyToes

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby