2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
crazy
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”