Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Always leave them wanting their money back.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think