Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD