Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
opening twitter today
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.