We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me buying fruit and veg
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: