A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
She: I like Cats
He:
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.