We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
You Might Also Like
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.