@ericsshadow

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

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@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@Michael_Erhart

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

@itrevormoore

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

@Trustedshoe

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@LosLos__

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*