We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m literally crying
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
They say women only use 10% of their anger