We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan