We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I am crying
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house