Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Omg 🤣
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.